Four Worms And A Lesson

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - DEAD.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - DEAD.

The third worm in chocolate syrup - DEAD.

The fourth worm in good clean soil - ALIVE.

The Minister asked the congregation:

"What did you learn from this demonstration?"


Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Tough Choice

Amy Poehler heard about IntenseGuy's love of squirrels, and his tough decision whether to wear a squirrel thong or stick with traditional briefs. After taking the above picture for TV Guide, she sent me the following:

It arrived with a card that says, "I heard you were interested in these things, so I took the squirrel that I posed with for TV Guide (and a few of his friends) and whipped one up for you. I hope that it meets with your approval! Thanks for being a fan, and I hope you watch my new show 'Parks and Recreation'. Much love, Amy Poehler."

If the squirrel mankini is too warm for you this summer, I'm sure she'll make up a thong for you if you ask nicely.

Happy Easter!

I'm going out to brunch with my aunt and her sister. I hope everyone has a wonderful day!

Weekend Wordle

It's Wordle time! Go here for instructions, and then link back to Last Shreds of Sanity to let her know you're playing along. This week I chose the conversation between myself, LadyStyx and IntenseGuy about the various types of underwear.

Spring Is Definitely Here!

Last night was the first game of the season for the Chicago Cubs. They scored early and held off the Houston Astros to win 4-2.



Way to start the season Cubbies! Following are the lyrics and a YouTube video to a classic song all Cubs fans know, "A Dying Cubs Fan's Last Request" by Steve Goodman.

By the shore's of old Lake Michigan
Where the "hawk wind" blows so cold
An old Cub fan lay dying
In his midnight hour that tolled
Round his bed, his friends had all gathered
They knew his time was short
And on his head they put this bright blue cap
From his all-time favorite sport
He told them, "It's late and its getting dark in here"
And I know its time to go
But before I leave the line-up
Boys, there's just one thing I'd like to know

Do they still play the blues in Chicago
When baseball season rolls around
When the snow melts away,
Do the Cubbies still play
In their ivy-covered burial ground
When I was a boy they were my pride and joy
But now they only bring fatigue
To the home of the brave
The land of the free
And the doormat of the National League

Told his friends "You know the law of averages says:
Anything will happen that can
"That's what it says"
But the last time the Cubs won a National League pennant
Was the year we dropped the bomb on Japan
"The Cubs made me a criminal
Sent me down a wayward path
They stole my youth from me
(that's the truth)
I'd forsake my teachers
To go sit in the bleachers
In flagrant truancy

And then one thing led to another
and soon I'd discovered alcohol, gambling, dope
football, hockey, lacrosse, tennis
But what do you expect,
When you raise up a young boy's hopes
And then just crush 'em like so many paper beer cups.

Year after year after year
after year, after year, after year, after year, after year
'Til those hopes are just so much popcorn
for the pigeons beneath the 'L' tracks to eat
He said, "You know I'll never see Wrigley Field, anymore before my eternal rest
So if you have your pencils and your score cards ready,
and I'll read you my last request
He said, "Give me a double header funeral in Wrigley Field
On some sunny weekend day (no lights)
Have the organ play the "National Anthem"
and then a little 'na, na, na, na, hey hey, hey, Goodbye'
Make six bullpen pitchers, carry my coffin
and six ground keepers clear my path
Have the umpires bark me out at every base
In all their holy wrath
Its a beautiful day for a funeral, Hey Ernie lets play two!
Somebody go get Jack Brickhouse to come back,
and conduct just one more interview
Have the Cubbies run right out into the middle of the field,
Have Keith Moreland drop a routine fly
Give everybody two bags of peanuts and a frosty malt
And I'll be ready to die.

Build a big fire on home plate out of your Louisville Sluggers baseball bats,
And toss my coffin in
Let my ashes blow in a beautiful snow
From the prevailing 30 mile an hour southwest wind
When my last remains go flying over the left-field wall
Will bid the bleacher bums adieu
And I will come to my final resting place, out on Waveland Avenue.

The dying man's friends told him to cut it out
They said stop it that's an awful shame
He whispered, "Don't Cry, we'll meet by and by near the Heavenly Hall of Fame
He said, "I've got season's tickets to watch the Angels now,
So its just what I'm going to do
He said, "but you the living, you're stuck here with the Cubs,
So it's me that feels sorry for you!"

And he said, "Ahh Play, play that lonesome losers tune,
That's the one I like the best"
And he closed his eyes, and slipped away
What we got is the Dying Cub Fan's Last Request
And here it is

Do they still play the blues in Chicago
When baseball season rolls around
When the snow melts away,
Do the Cubbies still play
In their ivy-covered burial ground
When I was a boy they were my pride and joy
But now they only bring fatigue
To the home of the brave
The land of the free
And the doormat of the National League

Winter In Northern Illinois

We got snow this evening, about 2-3 inches from what I can tell. What happened to winter only lasting 6 more weeks? Where's Spring? I need Spring!!!!

It's winter in Northern Illinois

the gentle breezes blow,

70 miles per hour at 32 below!

Oh, how I love Illinois

when the snow's up to your butt;

You take a breath of winter air

and your nose is frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful,

I guess I'll hang around.

I could never leave Illinois

because I'm frozen to the ground.

Weekend Wordles

It's Wordle time! Go here for instructions, and then link back to Last Shreds of Sanity to let her know you're playing along. This week I chose the text about the wine advertisement I posted this week.

His Fault? Or Is It Her Fault?

Following is a page from today's Meijer ad. I just couldn't resist showing you the wine they are pimping this week.


His Fault White or Her Fault Red. I'm assuming the women would drink the white, because it's always his fault. That would leave the red to the men, who falsely believe it's her fault, even though it's never her fault. I would go and buy a bottle, but I currently have WAY too many bottles of wine already. Anyone want to come over and help me drink it?

Speaking of wine...

I was walking down the street when I was stopped by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out $10.00 and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS?!?" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."

The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

I said, "That's ok. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

For Your Reading Pleasure

Everyone now knows IntenseGuy's fascination with underwear, and the fact that he jokes about only owning one pair, right?

I think it's more than a fascination, and several of us never miss an opportunity to joke with him about various types of underwear he could choose to own.

Saturday evening, Iggy made the mistake of sending an email to myself and Ladystyx. The email was a link to an article in Yahoo about some new underwear, made by the Japanese, that's being tested in space. Iggy sent us the link and refrained from commenting, so Ladystyx and I started emailing our own comments back and forth, with Iggy copied on all of them.

Lo and behold, he woke up the next morning to 26 new messages, most of them from us. With his and LadyStyx's permission, following is a replay of the conversation.

Iggy: Submitted for your reading pleasure...and without comment

LS: *HOWLZ in laffter!!!* But do they come in OCHA or squirrel print for you?

Me: Very good question, Styxie! This would also reduce the amount of time you're forced to stand in front of the washer and dryer nekkid waiting for your undies to get clean.

LS: On the other hand, if he stands in front of the dryer vent while he's waiting....during the winter it just might be the toastiest spot in the house! Of course, even with the stink-free undies (whether OCHA, squirrel or even Spiderman print)...he could always just stand there nekkid anyhow for old times' sake... .oO(you think he's sorry he showed us this yet? *laffs*)

Me: Heck no! He's not sorry, this is probably the best laugh he's had all day! Definitely better standing in the toastiest spot than in the coldest spot, that's for sure. Especially when wearing no undies. Spiderman print...now that's something I haven't seen on a grown man in, like, forever!

LS: Are you sure? LOL! (about the not sorry....not about the best laugh all day because we certainly KNOW it more than likely HAS been!)


Me: No, he's not sorry, because if nothing else, he gave us a fun conversation tonight, lol.

LS: Aint that the truth! AND he got a snazzy pair of new drawers to boot (see attached photo on last communication...)!!!

Me: Ummm, I didn't even notice you attached a picture with the last email. And now that I've looked at it, how do you know he wears boxer briefs?

LS: I dont...those were the first ones that came up in the search :-) For all I know, he could be all freaky and enjoy a thong.....

Me: Then there wouldn't be much needing to have a pattern.

LS: Shit....a single cone and some duct tape would just about do it then.....

Me: Squirrel "pattern" would just be a tail and some string?

LS: nah...the tail would be the waist band....their cheeks would be the pouch. Good thing about it is that one size would fit all (have you SEEN how many nuts those buggers can hold??)


Me: Ok, you completely took any ability for me to respond away. There's just nothing I can add to that. I won't even begin to think about how the Spiderman theme would work.

LS: Perfect underwear for athletes and men on the go.... whether he's swimming, biking or simply taking a walk around the block... these underwear are light and airy enough for ventillation (the boys gotta breathe too ya know), yet there's webbing strong enough for support.

Me: I would imagine they'd get a lot of use then, seeing as how there are a lot of long walks. In the heat of summer, the ventilation will be appreciated. And plenty of support as he chases for Charlie or OCHA pictures.

LS: Especially with as humid as it gets in the summer in most areas of the country. ;-)

Me: And for those days, when he wants to cool off with a quick dip in the river, it'll dry quickly too.

LS: heh heh heh

By now it was after midnight CDT, and I was heading off to bed. I can just imagine Iggy's reaction as he read our emails. In fact, we all get to see what his brain was coming up with, as we read his reply to our conversation.

Iggy: Oh my. I went to sofa early last night as I was still bothered by a lingering headache and this morning I find my e-mail inbox overflowing with 26 new messages! And most of them are from you two.

LMAO at all your comments about the "miracle" Japanese "no stink" fabric and at LadyStyx's marketing graphic. Oh I am green in envy and want a pair like that NOW!

Oh, and by the way, I've never thought much of owning a pair of OCHA patterned or Squirrel "bulging cheek" underwear but now, you know, I will think of little else! Imagine if my only pair of unnies were also lucky ones?!


There are several "burning" questions in my mind - which will I prefer, squirrels or ochas? boxers or briefs? especially if I can only afford one pair. Will the material come in permament press? How will I dispose of the pair I have now? Will I need to follwo some sort of Hazmat procedure? And finally, should I post a blog entry on this e-mail dialogue ala The Wife of Riley and her text messages?

I will have to think about how to replace standing in front of the warm dryer on cold wintry days. Life gives so few pleasure and this is one of them. Sometimes, when i feel decadent, I fold over a thick beach towel and place it on top of the dryer and (looks around to see if anyone is watching), sit on it! Ohhhhh, oooohhh, oooooooooooooooooooooooooh, baby! There is only one thing better and that is... yeah you know, Ooohhhhhhhhhhhhh....a nice hot cup of chocolate with marshmellows to sip while you sit there.

:) You two are quite a team. LMAO at all your e-mails! You've brightened my weekend beyond words. :)

Where Did This Come From?

I was sorting through some things I purchased last night at Target, and I found something in one of the bags that I did not purchase. Well, I did purchase it, but I have no idea how I purchased it or how it ended up in my bag.

Rimmel London Soft Kohl Kajal Eye Liner Pencil in Jungle Green.

I've already paid for it, but will never use it. If anyone's interested in it, I'll mail it to you. I'd hate to throw away perfectly good eye liner if it could be used.

Weekend Wordle

It's Wordle time! Go here for instructions, and then link back to Last Shreds of Sanity to let her know you're playing along. This week I chose my post about the trail signs in Wisconsin on my way back from Minnesota. And if you look closely, there might even be a word or two in there about Manatees.

Little Johnny and The Baby

Little Johnny's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib, he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?"

"Yes," the mother replied. "We are so thankful. The doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great," said Johnny, " 'cause he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses."

Flasher!

The picture says it all!

Adam Lambert from American Idol

*3/27 Update: I've imbedded another copy of the video for those who haven't seen it yet.*

I just had to post this. From the beginning I have recognized that Adam is one of the most talented artists to appear on American Idol. He has not been one of my favorites, but tonight's performance sealed the deal. With the following performance, despite there still being 9 other contestants, has just sealed his victory on Season 8 of American Idol.

Gone To The Dogs!

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"

The blonde said it was hers.

"Your dog seems to be in heat," the officer said.

The blonde replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said the blonde. "My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning."

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!"

The blonde looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."

Oh My Aching Back!

Just a quick post to let everyone know that I haven't been around due to a strained muscle in my lower back. I was off work 2-1/2 days due to my throat, then another 2 days due to my back. It's doing better now, but it's still not real comfortable to sit at the computer for more than a few minutes at a time. I'm hoping things will continue to improve, despite the slow speed. Once I'm feeling better and can sit here comfortably, I'll be back posting.

The Good Samaritan And The Doctor

The Doctor: Tomorrow, I'm calling the doctor. I've had a sore throat since Thursday afternoon, it hurts to swallow, and it hasn't gotten any better. I've also had a low grade fever the last three nights by bedtime. I'm pretty sure it isn't tonsilitis, since my tonsils were removed the summer between kindergarten and first grade. One of them was supposedly growing back, so it is "possible" that it is infected. I really hope it's nothing serious.

The Good Samaritan: Today while driving on the interstate to my aunt's house, I witnessed a Jeep Cherokee spin out of control in front of me, going from the right lane, across to the left shoulder, facing opposite of traffic. It's been raining cats and dogs all weekend, and I was noticing some hydroplaning myself. I immediately pulled over to the shoulder opposite her and called 911. She appeared unhurt, just shook up. She was very fortunate there is a wire type fence along the grassy divider between the east and west bound lanes, otherwise she very well may have gone down into the divider and flipped. Once I was off the phone, in the pouring rain (with just my socks on.......I'm kidding Punkn!) I ran across the road to make sure she was ok and to let her know I had called for help. Her entire front bumper was off, but the airbag didn't deploy, and she was just freaked out by what happened. She thanked me for helping, and I went on my way.

Looky Looky What Came In The Mail!!!!

My good friend IntenseGuy got this book for me while he was in Florida. Before he left, he asked if there was anything he could get me while he was down there. Besides warm weather, I asked for a Manatee. I've always wanted to see them, and having one for a pet would be AWESOME! Ok, so it would have to be a baby. And it would probably only fit in my bathtub for about 2 weeks before I'd have to give it up. But at least I would have one for 2 weeks, right??? I know you'd all be jealous!


Following are a couple rest stop signs next to a closed trail that I really, really hoped would be open. I remember walking up this trail with my sister years ago on our way to MN. Instead I had to just get pictures of the two signs. And it was so cold, that my camera only let me take the two pictures, then it shut off. I was trying to get a picture of the trail itself. I trudged through three inches of snow, in my sneakers, to get these pictures.

For Tori, the signs say: Black River Valley - White pine trees were growing here when Columbus made his voyage to America. In 1819 the first attempts to saw lumber were unsuccessful, but in 1839 Jacob Spaulding founded Black River Falls by erecting the first permanent sawmill and settlement on the Black River. This valley contained the largest pine trees, some of them up to six feet across at ground level, and the most pine trees per township in the state. Before logging ended in 1905, more than fifty sawmills had been in operation in Jackson County. Accurate records kept over a period of forty years reveal that enough lumber was sawed to have built a plank road nine feet wide and four inches thick around the world. Iron Ore was smelted in Black River Falls in 1856 and again in 1886, but the old process proved too expensive and was abandoned. The Jackson County Iron Company, a subsidiary of Inland Steel, built a modern processing plant in 1969 that ship 2800 tons of taconite pellets every day of the year to it's blast furnaces in Indiana. The mine buildings and open pit mine are visible from the overlook on top of this scenic Bell Mound.

(Note, the blast furnaces in Indiana that are referenced are no longer Inland Steel. That company was bought by Mittal Steel, which then merged with Arcelor Steel, and became ArcelorMittal. And I believe they only have one blast furnace working these days.)

Black River Forest Fire: On the dry, windy afternoon of April 27, 1977 (hey, my birthday), a forest fire started south of Black River Falls. The fire quickly became a raging crown fire, traveling through the tops of the dense pine forest. This mound, directly in the path of the fire, was burned in just a few minutes time. In the 12 hours it took for the fire to run its course, 14 homes and 17,590 acres of forest land had burned, the village of Millston was spared because of a last minute wind shift. Most of this area has since been reclaimed naturally by oak and aspen which sprout vigorously after a fire. A small portion of the area was planted with pine, a more valuable tree species. This area has become prime wildlife habitat supporting tremendous deer and small game populations. In 50 years all visual reminders of the Black River Falls fire will be gone.

I don't remember if my sister or I ever took any pictures from the top of the overlook. But if I ever find them, I'm sure they will be a sight to see.

Weekend Wordle

It's time for the Weekend Wordle. Here are the very simple instructions:

01) Go to Wordle.net to create your Wordle. It's lots of fun. You can tweak the colors, fonts and such.
02) Post it on your blog with a link to Last Shreds Of Sanity.
03) Once that's done, go back to Last Shreds Of Sanity and sign the Mr Linky that she has up. Dont forget to leave a comment on the sites you visit!!

Here's my wordle that I created using my catch-up post from last night.

Band Of Thieves Expands Range

Last year, I reported about the possibility of gumball machines being used to poison people in NJ, then about a gumball machine being stolen in Texas. It appears the thieves are recruiting members in additional states. This was reported in January in Bismarck, ND.

BISMARCK, N.D. (AP) You might say Bismarck Police have something to chew on. They report someone stole a $595 gumball machine from a Dan's Supermarket store. Lt. Randy Ziegler said the theft was reported Friday after the vendor discovered it missing. Also stolen were a $11.95 sign, $65.10 in gumballs and $212.50 in change. Ziegler says surveillance tapes show a man about 20 years old in a black hooded sweatshirt putting the machine in a gray passenger vehicle and driving off. Information from: Bismarck Tribune, http://www.bismarcktribune.com (Copyright 2009 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.) APNP 01-27-09 0757CST